I nursed a five-year-old. Actually, I nursed a kindergartener. My daughter nursed briefly right after her first day of kindergarten, when she was almost five years and four months old. At that point, she only nursed once every 2-3 weeks. So when she weaned, I had no idea that the seconds-long nursing session would be her last. It wasn’t until two months had gone by that I knew she was done for good.
Let me start this by saying that I was glad my daughter was still nursing when my son was born. She was almost three. I knew there was a chance he would be born prematurely, and he was, at 35 weeks. I knew he would be needy, as all newborns are. And, I worried about how much attention I would be able to lavish on her in those early weeks. So, having her still nursing gave me the ability to attend to both of them when my son nursed more or less constantly in the first couple months.
But after a year of tandem nursing, I was over it. Thankfully, she had long since nightweaned, and I limited her to nursing three times a day. But, I was tired of her begging for it, which she did rather frequently. Older nurslings are often reminded to nurse when a younger sibling nurses far more often. By her fourth birthday, I was ready to call it quits.
The thing is, she wasn’t. Now, I know that tons of people have said and will say that mothers who nurse as long as I did are only doing it for themselves. I cannot disagree more. I have never felt the “bittersweet” feelings of weaning. When my daughter called it a day, I could have skipped down the road singing.
Of course, I didn’t know that she was done yet. True child-led weaning is actually quite gradual. From 2-4, my daughter nursed about five times a day. At four, I cut her back to 2-3 times a day. By the time she turned five, she had limited her nursing sessions to 2-3 times a month. Many times, I thought she had weaned. But a few weeks would go by, and she would ask to nurse again.
Her latch got really strange. I noticed that it happened shortly before her fifth birthday, when she lost her first tooth. I knew that kids who nurse into these later years eventually lose the reflex. She, who was once the master nurser in the house, began to complain that I had no milk. I had plenty, on account of her younger brother, who nursed much more frequently. I do think that her losing her baby teeth meant that it was time for her to move on.
It took awhile for her to get the hint, thought. By her fifth birthday, I had been done for a year, and was only barely tolerating it. We talked about it, quite frequently. She wanted to know what it was like to nurse her when she was little. She wanted to know how long Francis would nurse. She talked often about the babies she would have and how she would nurse them. I started to explain to her that all kids eventually wean. I told her that, someday, she would stop nursing and not nurse anymore. This frightened her, but it did not make her nurse more frequently.
Nursing an older child is many things. It is strikingly more academic than nursing even a three-year-old, as I am doing now with my son. My daughter and I have had countless discussions over the years about the relative merits, benefits and difficulties of nursing, pumping and bottle-feeding. We have talked about what my milk smells and tastes like. She has shown me again and again how she will grow up one day and nurse her own babies. She is excited to do it. And, since she was approaching 5.5 when she weaned, she will remember having nursed with her own mother.
Nursing an older child is not many things. It is not at all like nursing a baby, toddler or even a young preschooler. It does not force the child’s dependence on the mother, as my child who was more than happy to relegate me to the drop-off line at school has demonstrated. It is not a sign of my child’s relative immaturity. Rather, it is just a sign that I let her have this one. It was important to her to continue on until she was done. There are many things in my daughter’s life that are of significance to her, that I have been or will be unable to make happen for her. I am very glad that I could make this one work out, since it is so important to her and for her.
To be honest, I hope my son does not nurse as long. I think he may not, since he will not have a younger sibling to remind him that he wants to nurse 10-15 times a day. But, I cannot deny that nursing full-term has shaped who I am as a parent in significant ways. I look at the parenting process as long-term. That makes sense, since I have nursed every single day (without a day off) for over six years. In the beginning, I didn’t understand what people meant when they said that the newborn weeks are so short. But, I do now.
Written by Holly Elizabeth Smith
